Real vs. Fake

I will start by my recent trip to the grocery store. I am a faithful patron of Trader Joe's. "Whole Foods for the working-class".. They have a variety of natural foods, ranging from fancy to economical. While not having the full selection and quality of Whole Foods, you can walk away with one week's worth of groceries for well under $100. A frequent Sunday routine for me consists of putting laundry in the wash at the laundy mat next to Trader Joe's, then either read, talk on the phone, or wash my car a block away. I put my laundry in the dryer and face the weekend grocery crowd at TJ's.
This Sunday however, I was stopped minutes short of getting my groceries because, as I neglected to remember, TJ's closes at 9pm.. hmpph..
I then went home, hungry, and grocery-less. I considered the options: fuck food, I'll eat tomorrow; Grab something at Baja Fresh or Sharky's; or go to the 24hr Ralphs and get dinner AND groceries. "What the hell," I thought, "I'll go to Ralphs."
I was surprised with the selection of natural, organic foods. I refuse to buy all the crap from the big food corporations, packed with preservatives and flashy packaging. It may be cheaper, (and tasty) but my health is more important than my money. Not to say I'm a health saint- booze and cigarettes are pretty bad for you, even in moderation- but.. well whatever.... not today.
So..
I was fairly satisfied with my Ralph's experience, doesn't beat Trader Joe's, but it wasn't too bad. Until I bit into a pear that I bought from there. Are you kidding me?! It tasted like styrofoam!! They didn't have much selection on organic fruits and veggies, but I didn't think it would be THAT big of a difference. Even the non-organic fruit and veggies from Trader Joes taste.. natural!! I don't know what the deal was with this freakin pear, but there was something definitely NOT natural about it. Pears are soft, and juicy, and bruise easily. The juice is supposed to run down your chin!! This was like.. styrofoam!! Needless to say, this experience further strengthened my love for Trader Joe's.

Continuing with the theme of this blog, I want to relfect on my ideals and actions of truth over the last five years. I reached a point of relative enlightenment in my life about six years ago. I came to a sort of breaking point, and was assisted by the universe into drastic change that essentially elevated me to a new plateau of physical, emotional and spiritual well being. With the help of three books: Conversations with God (v.1,2,3), I shifted my entire self to a .. pardon the Josh Wink reference.. higher state of consciousness. I stopped eating meat, stopped smoking, ended my careless self-destructive behaivor with synthetic substances, stopped feeling bad for not embracing Christianity and started my intimate relationship with the God I continue to know. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't an overnight change that has remained fully in tact to this day.. that would be way too boring.. but it was a significant turning point in my life.. A spiritual awakening. I've started and stopped smoking many times since then, I've put harmful feel-goods into my body, and I eat meat.. But the state of mind in which I do these things is like night and day.. Let me explain. The smoking is just hard, the naughty feel-goods have been a handful of time in so many years, and I eat fish and occasionally chicken which is strictly organic and humanly raised (I am not healthy as a vegetarian)
I came to know the God within me. I came to be aware of my power in the universe over my life. I came to realize the fact that I am in control, everything in my life is brought on by my request, and nothing can upset the higher consciousness we lovingly call God. And although I struggle to remember this, I know it to be true. And having that sense of spiritual and mental foundation helps me stop worrying and be myself. Helps me do this- for it is a constant struggle. But such is the life as a human.
What was I talking about? Oh yes- the last 5 years.
After the spiritual high I reached in the summer ot 1998- I still had a long way to go.. and still do. So many things to touch on- This just began my journey of self discovery. But what I want to stick with, is the ideal of truth. Living the truth, Speaking the truth, at all times being a faithful warrior of the truth. I say warrior, b/c that's what it takes to live the truth in a time of such accepted deception. One of the biggest things I learned that summer was 'any diversion from truth in your life is a diversion from yourself and God.' This has ultimately guided my life since then. Through all the depths of social menace, sexual exploration, and pure unadulturated debauchery, I have kept the light of truth ahead of me. Always telling the truth, no matter what- and keeping in touch with the compass of truth in my heart to guide my life.. It has led me to some incredible experiences- which at times caused me to fall, but ultimately made me smarter, stronger and wiser.
So.. Lately, I've reflected on this ideal, or the diminishing of actions according to this ideal over the last few years. I think it has something to do with moving to Los Angeles. While my practical knowledge of the world have grown, my addiction to telling the truth has fallen. The decline of my idealology is parrallel to a rise in deception.. This troubles me. I am still big on telling people what's what- and I largely do. But I've noticed myself stretching the truth- bending it.. even hiding it. Especially while conducting business. I believe, however, that this is within my process of learning and growth (Can't know light unless you know dark). Deception is a large part of the entertainment business. "Hello, He Lied" by producer Linda O'bst was my first official introduction to life in Hollywood. I am reminded of a discussion I had with my parents on the morality of this town shortly before I arrived. I said "You can play the game without stooping to that level". I still believe this is true. I think I am learning how to play the 'game', which I can later mold into how I want to play it. I largely tell the truth, and have gotten rather skilled at speaking the truth while diverting attention within a conversation away from what I do not want the other person to know. But I have noticed that I sometime cross the line. I catch myself lying. Nothing big, but it still bothers me. And more-so in social relationships; specifically, not revealing the truth about a friend when cornered for information. That sticks out the most in my mind. Someone, a spouse of a friend, or just friend of a friend, cornering me for information about a person we both know. Me revealing this information would betray my friendship with the other person. But not revaling it, or claiming ignorance of the situation, betray's myself. This is something I have yet to master. I believe I know the answer, "A person hiding the truth is betraying themselves; and me revealing that truth for them is not betraying them, but helping them come closer to embracing the truth in their own life".. Easier said than done, but as always, I'm working on it. It's the whole favoritism of friends things- and not wanting to make a favorite look bad to a.. less-than-favorite.. is usually how the situation goes.
In my defense, I excerised my right to truth this morning in a heroic display!! Ok, maybe not heroic. but a small simbolic victory. Without going into too many excrutiating details, I was booked on a television show for today. My 'agent' kind of booked me without my final consent. (It's all extra/background work. He called yesterday for my availabilty, I said I'd call him back, but he 'accidently' booked me before I did) So.. the only real potential problem I had with today was I have to be back in Hollywood by 7:30. I told him this on the phone, and he told me to 'get sick' at 6:30. I considered this option. It is something I might do after living in Los Angeles for three years. But then I remembered my recent contemplation of the gradual decrease in my actions reflecting my ideal of truth. So I decided against it. I told the Assitant Director of my conflict, and was given an unsure answer as whether or not I could leave at 6:30. I tried to subtley figure out if he was going to let me leave and still get paid, even if shooting wasn't over, but I couldn't get a sure answer. I took off from my day job, where I would miss a 'required' meeting, and would make about $30 less for the day... I considered my options... and the risk of not getting paid at all for my day... and decided to bail from the tv show and work my day job. The A.D. commended me for being upfront and I was on my way. I worked production for several years, and I know how hard your day is, and how annoying talent leaving early can be. So instead of opting for the less than honest way out, I stood up tall, and here I am, at my day job, typing this thing. :)

If you made it to hear, congratulations! You've earned the opportunity to continue reading about much more juicy, tangable and emotional ramblings... Kind of like the extra snippets they sometimes put after the credits of a movie.

I had the original idea to start the pear story yesterday, but it was just too uninteresting to stand alone. And I had been thinking about the truth thing a little lately. Then something triggered this blog last night. But, I had to begin with the other things first, in order to shield the revalation of my inner feelings from the happen-stance reader.

So my feelings got really hurt last night.. by something that didn't even happen. It was all in my mind. But it made me think about where I am, what I'm feeling, the emotional shield I have built around my heart and how I'm still a sensative 9-year old boy. (Hence, waiting this long in the blog to start on what triggered it).

I don't even know where to begin with this, or what to say, because I am rather unsure about the whole thing. I met someone a few weeks ago, who I couldn't help but fall for. I get very crushy, and am very passionate when it comes to love. This has led to many relationships starting too fast, and falling painfully hard. Over time, I have learned to slow down and be more careful with other people's hearts, as well as my own. But I cannot change my nature of passion. So.. I met this person on a job, a commercial film shoot a good friend of mine produced. This gave me a nice cushion of time to be around her alot and not activally step into the rhelms of attraction. We worked rather closely over the course of a week or so, I would catch myself staring at her. And being drawn to her. It was apparent to me these feelings were mutual because many times I caught her staring at me as well.. And an occasional glint passing her eyes...
The job ended, and I told her I liked her. She acted a bit surprised, and said she hadn't noticed any thing between us. I don't know for sure if this was a game, or the truth.. maybe a bit of both.. but she eventually said she did like me, but didn't want to start anything and risk losing me as a friend. This struck me hard, b/c my last relationship started with the same words: though I'm still friends with my latest ex, it seemed to be some kind of sign.. "Ok" I said, fair enough. We agreed to get to know each other better, and see what happens. It's hard to stay just friends with someone you like. I'm super passionate, and she is as well. The tendancy is to throw up your hands and make-out, but were both protective of our hearts. Is this good? I suppose. I don't know. I've been praying a lot about it. Asking for guidence, wisdom. She has said things that made me think it wouldnt work out, but I don't know if these are real feelings, or just fear driven excuses I'm formulating in this head of mine. I have a very high standard for girls I see. The very highest for the girl I will eventually stay with. And this girl is up there. A lot like me- Been through many of the same things. We share a certain fun-loving, trouble-maker quality, but also share an offsetting sensative-natured/good-hearted/dont-hurt-anyone outlook on life. I can't decipher what will happen with this on my own, so must resort to the higher power to guide me through. Thank God for that! To complicate things even more- there is someone I have never been able to get out of my mind. Someone so far away, but who still competes with the permanant spot in my heart. I have no idea what will happen, or if she has any significant inkling towards me, but I think of her often too.. It's a bit more abstract, since I have seen her only twice, the last time over a year ago, but she's there. I hold even less control of that situation than any other romantic endeavor.
But this girl.. from last night.. and the last few weeks.. I can't help but think of her.. and I want to call her. This could be the new crush thing that happens, or not.. I don't know if there's another way to know for sure besides waiting it out. I've been trying to stay as neutral as I can, or least convince myself I am doing so. But last night my stiff exterior was knocked down.. We hung out for most of the day yesterday in the office- kind of working, but not really. We later went to dinner with my good friend, the producer, and the cinematographer. It was a great time. We all get along very well. I was trying not to think about being so fn attracted to this girl sitting next to me, and enjoy the evening. I thought I was doing a good job. To make a long story.. not soooo long, the night ended with me driving out of the parking lot and seeing my good friend and the girl talking from their cars. They both drove off very quickly, and I thought they went off to.. well, I didn' t want to speculate exactly, or even think about it.. but you get the picture. I felt so betrayed. and hurt. I was sooo mad at both of them!!! Not that there was anything substantial between me and her, for them to so carelessly hook-up right in front of me really upset me.
Granted, it didn't really happen. My friend called me later to ask me the location of a bar he was trying to find. I asked him if she was with him, and what I thought happened- and it turned out nothing did. He asked her to go out to another bar with him and the cinematographer, and she went home. But it exposed a part of myself I was trying not to aknowledge. The fact that I can't completely control my feelings, and that I really like this girl, despite the fact that I don't know how long it will last. So.. in short.. my feelings are still capable of being hurt.. I guess that's a good reminder I am still human.

That's it. I think I've rambled on enough. Hopefully nobody is actually reading this. I'll pretend nobody is. And to further prevent anyone from accidently falling upon the above words, I will now bring things back to the subject of the pear from Ralphs. Yes, I've been talking about the pear from Ralph's for a good 8 pages. It's damn important! Pears are suppossed to be juicy! Not styrofoam! I don't know what they do to grow a styrofoam pear, but I don't want any! While Ralphs may be making efforts to cater to the health nuts of Southern California, it does not hold the same friendly aura of the home-felt independantly owned Trader Joes!!! I love Trader Joes, their pears are juicy!