until now again

I cant help but to think of her now. I made myself be so strong and resistant. I spent so long training myself to forget. And one phone call last fall made it all crumble to the ground, me along with it. But I stood up fast, and tried to forget it ever happened. A series of recent friendly phone calls with undeniable, unspoken undertones, prepared me for what has happened more recently. So many times before I built up my hopes for a reconciliation, a reuniting. So many times I released any doubt that it wouldn't work out, I put my faith in the universe that something so divine was too right not to happen. I had faith that we didn't experience something so amazing for nothing, and I wasn't still feeling something so intensly deep for no other reason than to make me strong. It was too good for that. Anything less would be blasphomy. And so many time my hopes were left teased and unfullfilled. And I'm seeing now how much that has worn me down.
It was hard when she got married. It had been about 8 years since we first split up, a couple years since I moved away and moved on. But it was still hard no matter how much I wanted to be happy for her. But shortly after that, things got much easier. I would still think of her, and miss her, of course, but I had given up any realistic hope that we would eventually get back together. And that made things much easier.

And then there's the last few weeks.

So many times she said she wanted to come back to me, and so many times she would leave within minutes. So this time I was determined not to fall for it again. Not again will I miss you like I do, just to crumble to pieces when you change your mind. So when you told me I'm the one who still sticks out, I'm the one you miss, I'm the one you love... I made quite an effort to keep myself closed off from you. You're dangerous to my emotional well-being. I made sure to still be here for you as a life long friend, but I also made sure I wouldn't be staying up all night thinking about you.

But now...

I can't help but let go.

I love you. I always have and I always will. I knew that before, but accepted that's just the way it would be. But I was able to emotionally seperate myself from it, for the most part. But no more. I can't hold out anymore. I can't not think of us anymore. I let myself fall in love with you again. And I will wait for you.

If this doesn't work out, I will crumble again. But I'm willing to take that risk.