i need some serious diary time here. Im going to write this, but not post it. That is my plan now. I can't think of people reading this otherwise I will censor myself. There is so much I have in my head that I feel has been left stale. Not expressed or shared. I'm lost in my own head.
I feel really lost. There are many things in my life that confuse me. My mind is constantly running about one thing or another. I feel I judge my life on how I think it should be. But at the same, while judging myself on whether I'm living up to who I think I should be, I'm trying to figure out what that is. While comparing what I do to what I think I should do, I am calculating what I think I should be doing. And what I want..
This is bullshit.
This isn't why I'm writing. It is I guess, essentially, but it's not hitting the notes. It's not what brought me here. "I feel really lost" are the first words. What followed was good therepy. Good analagy. But I want to get to specifics. That was so broad and undistinguished. I want dirt. I keep writing about what I want to write.
Sounds familar.
I've been praying a lot lately. Praying for my angels to guide me. In one area in particular. I've been getting involved with someone. It's been two years since I've 'gotten involved' with anyone. And this particular person, blog named Nancy, is a dear friend of mind. I met Nancy a few years ago when she was with Paul. I don't really remember the first time I met her, but I remember how I felt and what was going through my mind at that point in time. I met Nancy at the bar. It was just a bar when I was going there then, but now, almost four years later, it is the bar. The bar where almost every one of my "LA friends" hangs out. Now I say "LA friend" strictly because I find the word "friend" means something different in Los Angeles than it does in other places I've been. Not to suggest these friends are anything less then friends, in fact, now that it comes up, they are wonderful friends. A group of about a half dozen people who I truly truly love, and I whom I know truly truly love me. Some I knew in Texas before I came to California. But generally, "friends and alcohol" is a funny thing, and my friends and I all love alchohol, but I don't believe it's binding to our friendship. Often when too much alchohol is involved in someones life, he/she surrounds themselves with others who are in the same situation, and like to call them friends and believe they love each other when in fact its the alchohol they love and being around others who make their lives seem okay... But that's another issue... An issue I would like to explore. But not right now.
Just one more explanation of the terminology- in Los Angeles, people are often your "friends" because it could present a good business opportunity sometime in the future. It's not neccessarily a bad thing, just something to be aware of. But that's not at all the case here. Moving on.
Meeting Nancy at the bar. I liked Nancy. Cute as a button, sweet, and those huge blue eyes and big smile. But she was with Paul. Paul was a new guy friend and Nancy was a new gal friend. That's it. I remember being very adament at the time to not get mixed up in other people's relationship by acknowledging an attraction to one or both parties. (the 'or both' bit is supposed to be funny) I had enough of somehow getting involved in friends relationships and it was something I was determined to avoid in the future. I still am strongly against it, but sometimes life just happens.
So we all remained friends. I got to know Nancy and Paul better, had some good times, partied till the break of dawn on an all out drunken rage on Fourth of July, (which ended with a 7:00am beer run, casting office rose fight covering the apartment in rose petals, and passing out on the bedroom floor.... we'll get more to the alchohol issue later) Then Paul up and left Nancy with rent, bills and a broken heart. So bad. I wanted to kick the shit out of Paul. And Nancy was truly just a friend, but a good one. I still don't care much to talk to Paul. She took it really hard, and so she should have. It took her a good year or so to return to life in progress.
Which brings me to what I was doing. First off, as a intro of sorts, disclaimer perhaps, I love women. I truly truly love women. In every sense of the word. Even the part about them that truly truly drives me nutso. Their soft skin, the smell of their hair, the curves of their body, their charming bliss and delicate, nuturing nature. Hoowee!! It is definitely a weakness of mine. As well, I love the connection. The emotional balance. The caring and support of an emotional relationship. The heavenly companionship of a man and woman in love. (The same could apply to a same sex relationship, I've just never experienced it. Don't think I could) The emotional relationship area has been very difficult for me over the last ten years, because of still wanting someone I loved and lost. Wanting them back, wanting to stop wanting them back, trying to move on, comparing every new girl with her and every corner of the new relationship to the old one... Ive got to stay on track here... More on that later...
I started a relationship with Mary. So sweet, beautiful. The relationship was wonderful for about two months. I thought I might could marry this girl. But I ended it after another month of that being proved wrong. I really loved Mary.. still do, but loved her as a partner, and still sad I hurt her. But it was life happening. Then, there was a moment of heavenly bliss with Amy that morphed into a platonic long distance email relationship with passionate one-way waves that kept me dreaming for over a year, a moment of truth when Amy moved back to Los Angeles, months of building a truly special friendship, then realization the love was an infatuation. It was actually a bit of a turning point for me. Flag marker if you will. It made me realize I was investing myself completely to something I believed to fit my ideal life. She was the perfect girl. I can't even go into the details of what made her the perfect girl. She just was. Would make the perfect wife and perfect family. the perfect life. But that was an infatuation. The whole thing gave me a little more insight into how I had been living my life and the decisions I've made. So a little wiser, a little stronger, and a little more free to explore the possibilities of life.. I moved on. And this brings us back to speed on the convergence of my life with Nancy's. During the posterior (does that word apply to time?) of my realization with Amy, Nancy and I had begun a strictly sexual relationship. The gradual building of a deeper friendship, combined with little by litte letting go to our attraction, flirting, finally burst into flames one night after the bar. And that's how it went on for a while... getting drunk and going home together. Anything beyond that seemed too dangerous. Plus, I still wanted Amy, and I think in some way I was trying to 'date other people' as she was doing. So after I was over wanting Amy, and as with any sexual relationship (in my experience, anyway) the purely sexual turned emotional.. It's inevidable. Such an emotionally involved act will bring emotions. And those are some interesting emotions. Especially when sex continues over a period of time. The escape and safety of 'oops we fucked' no longer exists. "Why did we? Why did we again? Are we going to keep doing it? Do you love me? Do I love you?" It's fucking inevidable.
A sidenote intermission.
Some things I have done are "questionable" to many members of society. Drugs? Debauchery? Sex before marriage? I believe they are questionable because they are largely associated with destructive behaivor. They are destructive, in a way, but moreso, the acts are considered destructive because many of the people who take part are themselves very self destructive, and abuse themselves continually. You can abuse your self with anything, but the people who let go of their illusions of having a perfect life and try to just enjoy life, often fall victim to the slippery slope of alchoholism and drug abuse.. Which ruins their lives. And everybody looks down on them. The acts themselves aren't entirely destructive, but are often associated with a destructive lifestyle. I do not consider myself a highly desructive person, nor do I believe this behaivor to be out of control. It has been in the past, but I survived, conquered, and it has made me many times stronger in many different ways. And the experiences provided the exploration of areas of life which many do not experience. I am happy I've had the "questionable" experiences in my life. They have taught me a lot. I understand life more because I have seen certain things. I've dug into some beautiful core things that exist within each and everyone one of us. I've explored human connections, which really, are far deeper than human- but the experience of those connections is what really counts. Some of what I've seen is very ugly. Seeing over the edge of a self destructive life. Alchoholics. Drug addicts. Sex addicts. Losers. Liers. People who bring bad things around; but everyone is just human. And there are reasons for everything. The pattern and magnatism of destructive behaivor is powerful. Sadness is part of life, and people deal with it in many many ways. Some realize it, some don't. And hot damn Ive had good times.
Back to the feature presentation.
Nancy and I were great together. And emotions were high. Then jealousy reared it's ugly head. We weren't "together", but we had established quite a bond. Anyone new that came along to either one of us was fair game, but made the other one squirm. I seemed to get the worst of it and shot off my mouth a few times after I had to much to drink. Actually, it wasn't that simple. There are reasons for everything, remember? (you didnt think the intermission didnt apply to the main attraction did you?) It really got to me. I was the one who said we couldn't date, because I didn't want to risk our friendship. I almost lost my friendship with Mary because we dated, and I honestly didn't believe things with Nancy and I would work. I was trying so hard not to love her, and pushing myself towards more idealistic infatuations, but I did. I loved her. And got jealous as all hell when she'd flirt with the other guys swarming all around her. During this trying not to love her/jealousy time, I met Anita. Anita lives in New York and goes to medical school. She was visiting Los Angeles and came to the bar. We all had a good time and Anita and I had 'the stare' going on. And Nancy didn't like it. Anita went back to New York, and I went back to whatever I was doing. Then Anita called me and we started "talking". This went on for a month or two, then September came. I had to be in Dallas and decided to visit New York in the same trip. I had been talking with other friends there about visiting, and had been wanting to go for a long time. So off to New York. This is where things sort of blew up with Nancy. She didn't even know about Anita, still doesn't I don't think. But I got pissed when Nancy wouldn't take me to the airport. Stupid huh? I was pissed that she wouldn't take me, but I was more pissed because she was rude about it. And she was, kind of. But I'm sure I blew it out of proportion. And sure I had given my share of being rude to her. I was also doing coke a few times a week, and she didn't like that. So we didn't talk for a while. I went to New York, entertained a life with Anita, went to Dallas, had good times. But I was sad that I had not spoked with Nancy. I don't like loose ends. Never have. Nancy was very dear to me, and I was sad that we were mad at each other. I tried to talk to her one night in Dallas (coked up, no doubt) and she wouldn't talk to me. That made me sad. But I blew it off.
Honestly, at this time, I think I was entertaining the possibilty of a life with Anita, Amy and anyone else I met. That's when Elaine called. Elaine was the girl I loved and lost so long ago. The girl who I spent ten years wanting back. The one who had my heart in shambles for a majority of my twenties. The one who I would have gone back to in a second, even after she got married. The story between me and Elaine is a whole chapter. One that should probably precede this one.. So at this point, I had done a pretty good job of forgetting her. I would still get sad sometimes. Mostly when I got dissapointed with another girl, or got my feelings hurt. Historically, these have also been the moments when Elaine would call me, when she'd get sad about her life and miss me. This had not happened in years, but alas, it happened again. It started with her sending me an IM. Then calling me. This was great. It made me really happy. I was sad that we had lost touch after being so close, even after not being together for so long. Things were weird when she got married because I told her I was still very much in love with her. So we had not spoken much since. Actually, we did hang out one night a couple years ago after she got married. Had a good time, but that was it. So a year or two later we talk, and I thought we could finally be friends again. We got off the phone and I went out with my buddy Kyle and his gal friends. We went to a really cool tiki bar in silverlake and while I was entertaining the potential of a life with each of them, or at least getting laid that night, Elaine called back. She was drunk and said she had needed to talk to me for a while. The reason? She missed me. She had missed me for a long time. She knew it. Her husband knew it. And while she was in love with her husband and was going to be with him for the rest of her life, she needed to tell me she still missed me. Oh boy. This was really crazy for me. People knew I was really broken up over her for a while. People knew it was bad. But I don't know if they knew how bad it was.
1998: I could barely function as a person. Working all day every day was my only relief. And luckily school provided that. When I was too exhausted to work anymore I would literally lay around all day crying. This went on for a while. Sure there were periods of hanging out with friends, distractions, but it was a very difficult time. At the same time, it was a really good period of self discovery, but still hard as hell. She would call me after her and her then boyfriend would fight. Or when she would doubt their relationship. We would talk until sunrise. Three times in one week once. She even came over and we would lay around, holding each other, kissing. Then she would pull away and say she couldn't talk to me anymore. Her temporarily coming back to me, just to run away again went on for years.
Back to present: I was really thrown for a loop. I could hardly believe the words coming out of her mouth. I got off the phone and got back to my friends, I had had enough of this shit. She wasn't going to do this to me again. But inevidably, she did. I stayed out as late as I could, avoiding being alone with my thoughts. I finally got home and had an emotional breakdown until about 5am. I recovered for a couple days, sponaneously crying most of the weekend, then got the clarity to write her a long email. I went off. I told her in detail what I went through the night after she called me. And everything I had felt in the past, and what I thought of her calling me like that. She wrote back. "It was selfish. I'm sorry".. that was it. But I made peace with her, and told her I needed to get all of that out, but I was glad she said what she needed to say. (I told her that night when she called.. I cared about her, and wanted her to say what she needed to say if it was bothering her) I don't really know what I think about it, honestly.
I called her a few weeks ago and left a voice mail, just wanting to know if she was okay, but she never called back. Not suprising really. But frustrating nonetheless. I want to know she's okay, but she won't talk to me. Que sera sera.
So...
I got over that a lot quicker than usual, and went back to life in progress. Then one unexpected night at the bar, Nancy and I reconnected. We didn't sleep together. Didn't even kiss, but both acknowledged that we missed each other. I didn't even realize I missed her until the words came out of my mouth. Life is funny. We had a really nice dinner later that week, and I was falling back in love... again... My tendancy towards relationships is to get things established as fast as possible. And although Nancy and I took things slow, nothing more than hugs and a phone call every few days, I was in love. And got jealous because she blew me off and hung out with other guys. Was this one of those little females games? It may have been. Sneaky bitches. We both avoided a conversation about what was going on for a good couple of weeks, then got drunk and went home together. After another week or so of avoiding the subject, we acknowledged our feelings before deciding we shouldn't date. Then we hugged for a while, made out in front of her house. I've seen her every day this week. We've stayed with each other nearly every night. We haven't had sex again, but we hold each other and kiss regularly. And spend alot of time together. And walk around the mall holding hands. I haven't been this close to a relationship since two years ago with Mary. I was sure that the next one was going to be 'the one'. Determined to not get in another relationship unless I was sure that was it. Avoid it all costs and let it come to me, unavoidable love. Which is kind of what this is. I avoided any real connection with Nancy for almost a year, and here I am. Things just started. We still have things to talk about, like where this is going, but I haven't been able to hold myself back from her. Thinking again of my deep love for women and the connection with them. I'm scared about this. It's not the love I always expected. The head over heels, %100 sure "this is it" love I had with Elaine. But I was 18 years old when that started. And true, I've held on to it until almost 30, and it has sparked here and there in that time.. But really? ...
I'll be honest. I still think about being with Elaine. I imagine her marriage falling apart and us being together once and for all. And all that talk about growing old together really coming true. But is it healthy to hold on to that? I've conducted my emotional affairs with her in the ending for a long time now. I can't do that anymore. I watch movies about that true passionate love, the two people can't help but love one another. Who overcome impossible obstacles and end up togehter forever. But does that really happen? To some people sure, but me? Is that what love is? I don't know, I'm lost. I'm scared to get involved with Nancy for a few reasons. One, she's a friend. Part of the half dozen dear friends I have. And if we get involved then things go sour, what will happen?... When Mary and I split up, my friends stopped hanging out with her friends, and we didn't talk for over a year. True, all of those friendships were new. She had known her friends a while, and I had known mine a while, but we had not known each other for long.. But this is not the case with Nancy. We all know each other well. I'm afraid to break things up with my circle of friends. If anything, it will most likely be me who is alienated if things go wrong. But I don't want that to happen, obviously. I'm afraid I don't really love Nancy, that I'm just lonely and she's comfortable. But then I think about how I've pushed myself towards infatuations of my ideal life. I don't want to pass this up if it's real. She is a catch, and I definitely have strong feeling for her. I know I love her very much as a person. A friend. Even a lover. But a partner? That scares the shit out of me. I haven't had much luck with relationships, and part of me wants to push through what I'm afraid of, cause that's life, right? But part of me doesn't want to repeat my mistakes.
As far as Elaine, I can't deny there are still feelings there. And I don't know if that will ever go away. I've heard a piece of everyone you fall in love with you stays with you forever. I believe that. And suppose Elaine's piece is so big because she was the first. She showed me what love is. But left a bit of a challenging example..
I said before, I've been praying a lot. Praying to be guided to the right place. I have faith it is where I will eventually end up, but also know it is ultimately my decisions that determine how I get there. I don't want to discuss the divine dichotomy here, just that I pray for guidence. I know I love Nancy. We get along very well. I know her much better than I knew Mary, and it is very comfortable with her. We get along well and laugh a lot. There are surely things to be worked through if it continues, but I think she would make a wonderful wife and mother. And that's ultimitely what I'm looking for. Not for now. But I want to find that person now. I'm tired of not being with them. And if it is Nancy? Yet another reason I am scared to get involved... There is much I need to learn. Many things I assume about myself and about life that I don't even realize. Things that are incorrect. But I suppose that's what keeps life interesting. Always learning. Always something new to discover, that was usually right under your nose. Life is funny.
